THANK YOU FOR BEING

In 2007, I was first diagnosed with degeneration in my spine. I was only 42 and expected to have reading glasses before being told that my spine had arthritis, spinal stenosis, and bulging discs. The muscle spasms got initially better, and with medication that I could take as needed.

By 2010, I was having a hard time finding a job and did a 12 hour shift at Walmart over Thanksgiving through a temp agency. It was an absolute mess. I was stumped over, having difficulty walking, and couldn't lift anything over 20 pounds. This couldn't be happening to me. 45 years old and I typically could lift between 50 and 80 pounds. Now I was having trouble with lifting a  laundry basket.

Then, in 2011, on top of that stress of no job and a bad back, I had a bad break up with my then boyfriend. My depression was bad enough; now I was so bad I lost 25 pounds in 3 days, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying, and didn't know where to go.

Needless to say, It is 4 years later, and I am on disability because the back has worsened. I can only work 6-8 hours a week. I still feel like crying and struggle with fighting the depression that comes with chronic pain. It seems that no matter how many times I can explain it, people never fully understand the difficulty of losing bodily function and not be able to do the things that I could have even 6 months ago. I'm 50 in a 75 year old's body.

About 3 weeks ago, I lost a childhood friend to Major Depression. She just couldn't bear the pain anymore, despite positive family support, proper medication, and good therapists. The pain must have been unbearable.

I was able to put my pain in perspective, because I understand how difficult it is to deal. I miss my friend. I wish I had a way to tell her that, and that I've loved how beautiful she was.

I found a Seneca Indian greeting-"Thank you for being." I wish there was a way to let all those with chronic pain, whether from medical or mental health issues, know that they are worth it. I wish there was a way to encourage those without these issues to say to someone else "Thank you for being". Not just for being you, but for being.

Being. In love. In my life. In this world. In someone's family. In this time. In this place. Being. Being is important. Being is part of our individual's soul.

Being. Beautiful.